Somebody please explain to me …

who are the happy pranksters who keep electing Michele Bachmann from Minnesota?

Gail Collins clues us in on the new Sarah Palin show airing on TLC. In the first episode, the Palin family is seen sitting in a boat, watching a family of haggard looking bears ambling along the shore. Collins notes that the mother bear is on her way to Planned Parenthood.

TLC used to be the acronym for "The Learning Channel," but now it simply stands for "making money with the least effort possible."

Bachmann claimed on CNN recently that the president's upcoming trip to India would cost the taxpayers $200 million a day, which is more than the taxpayers pay per day for the war in Afghanistan. Is Bachmann that stupid or does she just think the people who elected her to office are? (Answer: Well, they did elect her!)

NOTE: Newt Gingrich is what passes for an intellectual in the Republican party. He is a sometimes lecturer in a history department at a college in Georgia. We won't name it here, they already suffer terribly from the embarrassment. Have you read Lies My Teacher Told Me?

Quote of the Day:

"And I haven't liked you for a very very very long time now. At least since yesterday, I think. Maybe it was somebody else I was thinking about. What's your name again?" — Anonymous student.

Congress Wants Terrorists To Buy More Guns!

The U. S. congress is up in arms over the notion that terrorist suspects might be prohibited from buying guns and explosives. Some one in congress had the audacity to suggest that perhaps persons listed on the terrorist watch list should not be allowed to purchase guns, ammo, and explosives. Ouch!

Isn't it enough that we prohibit these folks from boarding planes? Why on earth would we want to stop them from buying guns and bullets and bomb making material? Just think of how that would utterly destroy an American's right to bear arms!

Everyone should have the right to buy guns and ammo and bomb making materials. In fact everyone ought to be required to do so. Our basements and attics and the trunks of our cars should be loaded with these items. Our five-year-olds should be openly carrying on the school bus. Teachers should have at least three concealed weapons in the classroom. And every congressman should be issued a bazooka when entering the halls of congress. Clearly, our founding fathers intended such behavior, expected it, demanded it.

NEXT: An in depth discussion on the proper way to discuss with your children how to sleep with their guns; focus will be on the acceptable missionary position.

(See Gail Collins' op-ed: "Congress, Up in Arms.")

Breaking News!!!

President Obama has thrown down the gauntlet: Today the president announced he plans to nominate the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan to replace Justice John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court.

The president noted that the conservatives in America are intent on preventing anyone living or dead from going onto the court as long as a black man is in the white house, so he is determined to provide them with a nominee that anyone would be proud to object to.

The Anti-Defamation League notes that Klan membership has rebounded of late, although it isn't clear if those folks have been counting actual Klan members or confusing them with Tea Party-ers.

Note: A filibuster has only been used once in a Supreme Court nomination fight, but since President Obama is both a Nazi and a Communist, not to mention a middle-of-the-road politician, Republicans have promised to throw caution to the wind, in a very conservative fashion, of course.

(See The Washington Post story.)

Doobie to the Rescue!

Nirvana is just a toke away! California's love affair with having everything while paying for nothing has finally found its solution in legalized—and taxed—marijuana. Yes, the answer was right there under their noses all along.

The New York Times reports, "On Wednesday, the California secretary of state certified a November vote on a ballot measure that would legalize, tax and regulate marijuana, a plan that advocates say could raise $1.4 billion and save precious law enforcement and prison resources."

Note: Legalizing marijuana would violate federal law. Ooopsie.

Podcast of the Day: News of the Great Re-Depression with Stanley Douglas.

Hitting a Home Run in the Face of the Apocalypse:

Gail Collins socked one out of the park today with her op-ed in the Times:

Really, for ultraconservatives, the last year has been one sign of the apocalypse after the other. Soon, the rivers will run red with Starbucks Raspberry-Flavored Tazo Passion Shaken Iced Tea. Owls will give birth to two-headed frogs who shriek the lyrics to Lady Gaga songs.

Don't miss the end of the story when Collins asks why, when she was a kid and the nuns sent her home from school on Friday with the affirmation that the end would come on Sunday, they also gave her homework that was due on Monday.

Or her explication of the Nostradamus lines

For the merry maid the bright splendor
Will shine no longer, for long will she be without salt.
With merchants, bullies, wolves odious,
All confusion universal monster.

"Which is obviously a foretelling of the Sarah Palin book tour." Zinnngggg!!!

Late Breaking News: Dopers head for 14 states for load of medical stash!

Massive traffic jams were reported in 36 of the fifty U. S. states as millions of sick people raced to the borders of the 14 states where medicinal use of marijuana is legal, now that the fed has stated it will not persecute dopers who do weed so as not to feel badly.

A massive exodus is reportedly taking place out of red states in the south and midwest, being led by an old hippie looking fellow driving a 1962 Pontiac covered in a gray primer coat and bearing the insignia of "The Zigzag Man."

The downer is that the price of a mellow high is likely to follow the rules of supply and demand; that is, a dime bag ain't what it used to be.

In other news: President Obama has announced that he'll be closely watching this latest turn of events. If all works well, he'll consider legalizing marijuana in Iran if they don't chill out over this nuclear business.

An Apology: The New York Times has stated that it will layoff 100 people in its newsroom. I'd like to express my apologies here as one of the bloggers who undoubtedly is responsible for this action.

John Stewart Explains It All:

Assignment: Choose a strong emotion and define it so that others gain a clear understanding of who you are—

Thanks to Lazlo for passing this link along: Robin Hemley's "No Pleasure But Meanness." Freshmen, here's the example of a good deffinition essay you've been looking for.