Plagiarism Invades Chick Lit:

Jack Shafer has an excellent article on plagiarism in the recent edition of Slate, entitled "Why Plagiarists Do It." It's worth the time it takes to read. The latest word on Kaavya Viswanathan's "chick lit" novel is that it's selling well, although the publisher has decided to pull it out of stores. Being caught with your hand in this particular cookie jar is apparently without much of a penalty.

"Lights and Wires in a Box":

Read Edward R. Murrow's critique of television, from 1958. Those of you who are too young to remember America's best ever newsman, need to see why he set a standard that has never yet been met. This speech, given at the RTNDA Convention in Chicago, will provide an inkling.

Bush to Borrow Trillions of Dollars from Chinese Banks and Give Money to Oil Companies:

Pres. Bush's answer to the massive profiteering by the major oil companies is to borrow $100 per tax payer from Chinese banks so that the tax payers can then give that money to the oil companies, as outlined in a session with reporters recently. He is opposed to any new taxes, including windfall-profits taxes, that might impinge on his primary constituents' profitability.

Earning obsenely high profits while others die in foreign wars encourages the oil companies to research and develop alternative forms of energy, according to the president, applying his considerable expertise on the oil industry derived through his family connections. The logic of that should be plain to everyone, especially those who have a keen awareness that the National Anthem was "divinely inspired by God" as was "that grand old flag."

Exxon Mobil Declares Massive Profits for First Quarter:

Times couldn't be better for the oil industry. The world's richest oil company has declared the "fifth-highest quarterly profits ever recorded by a publicly traded company" as reported in today's Washinton Post.

Attempting to cover up Republican complicity in the oil industry's profiteering, "With gasoline topping $3 a gallon in some parts of the country, Senate Republicans said they were introducing legislation to send $100 rebate checks to millions of taxpayers, repeal tax breaks for oil companies, provide new protections against price-gouging and suspend crude oil deposits into the Strategic Petroleum Reserve for six months" (Washinton Post).

So, if you were a Texas oil company and your profits had stagnated, wouldn't it be great to have a president who would be willing to drive the country into unnecessary wars that would help push your profits through the roof?

Is It Heroic?

Mlb.com has posted a nostalgic piece on its Chicago Cubs website, recalling an act that took place thirty years ago today. It was 1976, and the country was celebrating its two hundredth anniversary. The summer Olympics would be underway in Montreal soon. The Vietnam War had wound down, and a governor little known outside of Georgia was about to make a successful run at the presidency.

The Cubs were playing the Dodgers in a day game in LA, when two young men jumped onto the field in center, between innings, with the intention of burning the American Flag. No one knows what they were protesting, if anything at all. Quite possibly they were just pranksters or trying to impress some girl.

Rick Monday, the Cubs centerfielder, a player who had a lot of promise that remained for the most part unfulfilled (as is the case with most baseball players), ran over to the two and snatched the flag off the ground, as one of the young men was about to ignite it with a match.
Monday, it should be noted, was a Marine reservist; that is to say, he spent six or so months in training and then attended meetings for a number of years when he wasn't playing baseball. In short, he avoided the "Vietnam experience" by being in the reserves. He's now a broadcaster for the LA Dodgers and generally liked by his peers and the ballplayers.

The article on the Mlb.com site refers to Monday's act as truly heroic. This caused me to wonder how his act stacks up against that of my cousin, who was a young liuetenant in Vietnam when his battalion was over run, leaving only him and the radioman. My cousin called in airstrikes on his own position until the enemy were repelled and the wounded could be rescued. (He and the radioman were awarded the Silver Star for bravery.)

Or how the act compares to one by my friend Steve during the Tet Offensive, when under heavy attack Steve, a tank operator, manned a stretcher, carrying the wounded even though he had been wounded himself by shrapnel, in the back, for more than two hours, with what was left of his shirt dripping blood and despite the appeals of the medics for him to stop and receive aid. (He was awarded a purple heart and a Bronze Star.)

Or how the act compares to that of the helicoptor pilot and his crew who lowered their gun ship between a crazed American company bent on massacering a whole Vietnamese village and saved the lives of more than twenty women, children and old men (My Lai), and then were ostracized by the Army and their country for doing the morally correct thing.

I am sure you can think of many acts that stack up against Monday's flag rescuing adventure. I don't deride Monday for what he did. There were no babies to save from drowning in center field that day. He did what he believed was the right thing to do, but surely we can think of other acts to hold up for youth that speak of greater deeds.

Love Conspiracy Theories?

Watch this one:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5137581991288263801

Big Steve Was in Charge, but Only the Enlisted Men Pay the Penalty

According to Salon, they have "uncovered more allegations against a civilian interrogator accused of abuse at [Abu Ghraib, and they are asking why he has] never been prosecuted?" Staff writers for Salon, Mark Benjamin and Michael Scherer, say that Steven Anthony Stefanowicz "worked as an interrogator for military intelligence" at the infamous prison and "was one of dozens of civilian employees from Virgina contractor CACI International hired by the Pentagon."

"Big Steve," as he was known, "directed the abuse in one of the most infamous incidents captured on camera … A prisoner in an orange jumpsuit being manaced with an unmuzzled dog." For some reason, while enlisted men like Sgt. Michael J. Smith are being prosecuted and punished for their actions at the prison, "Big Steve" has never been required to appear in court even as a witness.

Can you say, "cannon fodder?"

CIA WhistleBlower Fired for Telling Truth!

In retribution for blowing the whistle on the government's torturing of terrorist suspects, the government has fired a senior career officer. Although the government continues to hide facts from its voters and tax payers by refusing to release the name, insiders (more leaks) have indicated the person fired was Mary O. McCarthy, a senior analyst.

It is important to note that no one was fired for the faulty information about weapons of mass destruction that helped mislead this country and others into an unnecessary war that has caused thousands of lives and billions upon billions of dollars and has contributed to energy problems that you and I pay for every day at the pump, but when somebody in a top information gathering agency tells the truth, she gets fired.

Brilliant! Our leadership never fails to impress. But that's okay, the oil companies continue to rake in the profits, and that is what this is all about, right?

Data Retention: Your Privacy at Risk

Big brother wants to know everything you say online. Read about it here. The government is considering creation of laws to require ISPs to retain all records of transmission between any Internet users. The argument is that it will help prevent terrorism and catch child abusers.

Remember when the FBI said the Mafia didn't exist and the great threat to America was communism. Well, "Goodnight and Good Luck."

In the meantime, laws already exist allowing the government to require ISPs to retain this information on persons identified as potential risks. Any new law would simply require them to maintain records on all of us, regardless of whether the government had identified us as potential risks to national security. In other words, the government wants the power to identify us ALL as risks. The question is to whom are the citizens at large of this country a risk? Are we a government of the people, by the people, for the people? Or has that notion been sold to the highest bidder?

For an example of what can happen with this sort of blanket surveillance, check out this.


Love Nostalgia? Check out RadioLovers.com:

We offer hundreds of vintage radio shows for you to listen to online in mp3 format, all for free. Before the days of video games, shopping malls, MTV, and the Internet, families used to sit in their living room each night to listen to radio shows such as Abbott and Costello, Superman, Groucho Marx, The Avenger, Gunsmoke, Sherlock Homes, and many others. When TV become popular in the 1950's, most of these shows went off the air, but they now live on at websites such as this one and on weekly nostalgia radio broadcasts worldwide.

(from Radiolovers.com - Free Old Time Radio Shows)

Bush's Energy Analysis:

President Bush, today, graced the country with his brilliant analysis of the rising cost of gasoline. The president carefully explained that the increased cost, which is having a debilitating effect on the nation's economy, is a direct result of the increased cost of the oil from which gasoline is refined. (The president did not use the word, "refined," to be perfectly honest.)

"The nation," gathered reporters were heard to say with awe, "is deeply indebted to this great man's leadership."

"Was that a white dove that landed on the Leader's shoulder?" someone in the back row asked.

"No, but a soft white light did grace his troubled brow."

Quote of the Century:

"Because the brain cannot see itself fooling itself, the only reliable method for avoiding bias is to avoid the situations that produce it."

(Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard, author of the forthcoming Stumbling on Happiness.)

More excerpts from Dr. Gilbert:

Doctors scoff at the notion that gifts from a pharmaceutical company could motivate them to prescribe that company's drugs, and Supreme Court justices are confident that their legal opinions are not influenced by their financial stake in a defendant's business, or by their child's employment at a petitioner's firm. Vice President Dick Cheney is famously contemptuous of those who suggest that his former company received special consideration for government contracts.

[T]axpayers can barely keep a straight face. They know that consultants and judges are human beings who are pulled by loyalties and pushed by animosities, and that drug reps and lobbyists are human beings who wouldn't be generous if generosity didn't pay dividends. Most people have been around people long enough to have a pretty good idea of what drives their decisions, and when decision-makers deny what seems obvious to the rest of us, the rest of us get miffed. Sell our democracy to the highest bidder, but don't insult our intelligence.

Research suggests that decision-makers don't realize just how easily and often their objectivity is compromised. The human brain knows many tricks that allow it to consider evidence, weigh facts and still reach precisely the conclusion it favors.

As The Pundit said, "All, like sheep, …"

Native Americans Gave Us Corn; Is It Our Savior?

I grew up in the mid-west. My father planted sweet corn every summer, as did my grandfather and great grandfathers, and my mother and grandmothers cooked and canned it. We ate corn nearly every day. I still eat corn regularly, it's a staple of my diet. But something does seem wrong when you travel through the mid-west and see a sea of it (and soy beans) growing everywhere.

If you missed Michael Pollan's Fresh Air interview recently, check out the interview on Truthdig.com. for a closer look at the nation's reliance on this foodstock, and its effects on our health and environment.

Rummy's Stickin' 'Round!

Yet another retired general has come out to accuse the vaunted chin of arrogance and out right wrong headedness, but Rummy's Head has stated his confidence in the x-fighter pilot who never saw a shot fired in anger. Bushy's happy with his Donald. And anyway, should the toothy one wish to step aside, his master would just hire another yes man to take his place.

"Can anyone else make the Washington press corps giggle so giddily?" someone insisted he heard El Pesidente mutter as he galloped into the sunset.

Rummy did point out that the half dozen dissenters were just a small number in the face of the thousands and thousands of generals in the military. Now we know what the problem is: Everyone is a general! There are no common soldiers!

Bush Administration Moves to Strengthen Engergy Companies:

Craig Stevens, a DOE spokesman, announced today that Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman "believes that we have a strong agenda moving forward with the American Competitiveness and Advanced Energy Initiatives put forth by the White House. With these two initiatives, the secretary believes our course is charted for the next couple of years."

The statement was made at the time the DOE announced that Bodman would abolish the Energy Advisory Board that was estableshed during the Carter Administration.

Edwin Lyman, senior staff scientist at the Union of Concerned Scientists states that the move is symptomatic "of an Administration that doesn't like to hear any kind of contrary view, that simply likes to talk to itself. The notion that the Energy Department has all the information it needs on scientific and technical issues is ludicrous."

Kent J. Bransford, national president of the Physicians for Social Responsibility states the action is further evidence that the Administration "ignores the cautions and input of … international scientists."

The action, of course, is another step in furthering the stranglehold the energy companies already have on the national government.

Remember when the Administration told us that Iraqi oil would pay for the U.S. incursion into Iraq?

Definition of a Hero:

Tianamen Square 1989. A line of tanks moves down the broad avenue. One man walks out to meet them. To this day, no one knows his name. He may have been a mad man, a foolhardy youth, believing he had nothing to lose. But he has come to stand for the definition of heroism. One man with a briefcase, his soft jacket on his arm faced the might of a nation. The world watched.

What Is The Constitution Restoration Act?

Here it is. Does it look like a good idea to you?

Constitution Restoration Act of 2005 (Introduced in House)

HR 1070 IH

109th CONGRESS

1st Session

H. R. 1070
To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

March 3, 2005
Mr. ADERHOLT (for himself, Mr. MCCOTTER, Mr. PENCE, Mrs. JO ANN DAVIS of Virginia, Mr. BACHUS, Mr. RYUN of Kansas, Ms. FOXX, Mr. BARRETT of South Carolina, Mr. WAMP, Mr. WILSON of South Carolina, Mr. ROGERS of Alabama, Mr. PITTS, Mr. EVERETT, Mr. CANNON, Mr. SOUDER, Mr. CANTOR, Mr. PRICE of Georgia, Mr. MCINTYRE, Mr. WELDON of Florida, Mr. JONES of North Carolina, Mr. BISHOP of Utah, Mr. HERGER, Mr. GOODE, Mr. HALL, and Mr. LEWIS of Kentucky) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary

---

A BILL
To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the `Constitution Restoration Act of 2005'.

TITLE I--JURISDICTION

SEC. 101. APPELLATE JURISDICTION.

(a) Amendment to Title 28- Chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`Sec. 1260. Matters not reviewable

`Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an entity of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer or agent of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official or personal capacity), concerning that entity's, officer's, or agent's acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.'.

(b) Table of Sections- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1260. Matters not reviewable.'.

SEC. 102. LIMITATIONS ON JURISDICTION.

(a) Amendment to Title 28- Chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end of the following:

`Sec. 1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review

`Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the district courts shall not have jurisdiction of a matter if the Supreme Court does not have jurisdiction to review that matter by reason of section 1260 of this title.'.

(b) Table of Sections- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review.'.

TITLE II--INTERPRETATION

SEC. 201. INTERPRETATION OF THE CONSTITUTION.

In interpreting and applying the Constitution of the United States, a court of the United States may not rely upon any constitution, law, administrative rule, Executive order, directive, policy, judicial decision, or any other action of any foreign state or international organization or agency, other than English constitutional and common law up to the time of the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.

TITLE III--ENFORCEMENT

SEC. 301. EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL CASES NOT BINDING ON STATES.

Any decision of a Federal court which has been made prior to, on, or after the effective date of this Act, to the extent that the decision relates to an issue removed from Federal jurisdiction under section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, is not binding precedent on any State court.

SEC. 302. IMPEACHMENT, CONVICTION, AND REMOVAL OF JUDGES FOR CERTAIN EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL ACTIVITIES.

To the extent that a justice of the Supreme Court of the United States or any judge of any Federal court engages in any activity that exceeds the jurisdiction of the court of that justice or judge, as the case may be, by reason of section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, engaging in that activity shall be deemed to constitute the commission of--

(1) an offense for which the judge may be removed upon impeachment and conviction; and

(2) a breach of the standard of good behavior required by article III, section 1 of the Constitution.

---

109th CONGRESS
1st Session

S. 520

To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

IN THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES

March 3, 2005
Mr. SHELBY (for himself, Mr. BROWNBACK, and Mr. BURR) introduced the following bill; which was read twice and referred to the Committee on the Judiciary

---

A BILL
To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the `Constitution Restoration Act of 2005'.

TITLE I--JURISDICTION

SEC. 101. APPELLATE JURISDICTION.

(a) Amendment to Title 28- Chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`Sec. 1260. Matters not reviewable

`Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an entity of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer or agent of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official or personal capacity), concerning that entity's, officer's, or agent's acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.'.

(b) Table of Sections- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1260. Matters not reviewable.'.

SEC. 102. LIMITATIONS ON JURISDICTION.

(a) Amendment to Title 28- Chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end of the following:

`Sec. 1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review

`Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the district courts shall not have jurisdiction of a matter if the Supreme Court does not have jurisdiction to review that matter by reason of section 1260 of this title.'.

(b) Table of Sections- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review.'.

TITLE II--INTERPRETATION

SEC. 201. INTERPRETATION OF THE CONSTITUTION.

In interpreting and applying the Constitution of the United States, a court of the United States may not rely upon any constitution, law, administrative rule, Executive order, directive, policy, judicial decision, or any other action of any foreign state or international organization or agency, other than English constitutional and common law up to the time of the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.

TITLE III--ENFORCEMENT

SEC. 301. EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL CASES NOT BINDING ON STATES.

Any decision of a Federal court which has been made prior to, on, or after the effective date of this Act, to the extent that the decision relates to an issue removed from Federal jurisdiction under section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, is not binding precedent on any State court.

SEC. 302. IMPEACHMENT, CONVICTION, AND REMOVAL OF JUDGES FOR CERTAIN EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL ACTIVITIES.

To the extent that a justice of the Supreme Court of the United States or any judge of any Federal court engages in any activity that exceeds the jurisdiction of the court of that justice or judge, as the case may be, by reason of section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, engaging in that activity shall be deemed to constitute the commission of--

(1) an offense for which the judge may be removed upon impeachment and conviction; and

(2) a breach of the standard of good behavior required by article III, section 1 of the Constitution.
END

A New Gospel?

Actually not. The latest religious to-do in Christianity is the publication of "The Gospel According to Judas," which proposes the argument that Jesus approached his "betrayer" and asked him to help Him become a martyr. Traditionally, of course, Judas has been portrayed as the fellow who is the root cause for Jesus' death. This has presented something of a problem from a religious stand point. Jesus has to die in order to redeem his followers. But the person who facilitates his death is seen as the purist form of evil. Logically, this implies that Jesus doesn't have to die, in which case his religious mission would have been a failure. Thus His martyrdom falls under the heading of "Christian Mystery," an inexplicable act.

The real issue the latest publication of one of the books formerly known as "The Gnostic Gospels" is that of "free will" versus "determinism*." If Jesus has to request Judas's assistance, then the sacrifice becomes a matter of free will.

Christianity has always walked a tight rope on the questions surrounding issues of free will and determinism, and that tight rope exists in almost all areas of our lives, including biology. Think about "genes vs. environment."

Ah, yes, then there are the issues of the millenia of anti-Semiticsm.

*de·ter·min·ism: The philosophical doctrine that every event, act, and decision is the inevitable consequence of antecedents that are independent of the human will.

Book Review:

Year of the Snake by Lee Ann Roripaugh (Crab Orchard Review & Southern Illinois Press – Carbondale, 2004)

Back in the late 1970s I started hearing young poets say that they didn't know what a line of poetry was anymore. That is, they couldn't figure out why a line (lyric) should end where it does and another line begin. This is a problem young people beginning to write poems always struggle with.

Once upon a time—and this is still true of very young people, pre-college age—it was assumed a line ended where the rhyme occurred. Rhyming creates a pleasant sound—or not—depending on—well, depending on many things. And rhyming can easily overwhelm a lyric so that all anyone hears is the rhyme sound.

And anyway, who says the rhyme has to come at the end of lines. (Bet your high school teacher never tried to explain that one.) Some of the most interesting rhyme in contemporary poetry occurrs within lines, otherwise known as internal rhyming.

Beyond a pleasing sound, of course, rhyming has a long history as an important aid to memorization. So for millenia poets created end rhyme to help folks, including themselves, memorize their poems. Uh, nobody does that anymore.

And naturally there are other reasons to end lines, mostly having to do with speech patterns, but that's not quite reaching what I want to get at today.

I recently finished reading Lee Ann Roripaugh's Year of the Snake, and I was consistantly questioning the line breaks in this book of poems (which I enjoyed very much, thank you).

Let me illustrate by looking at a few lines of one of the poems, "Nanking Cherry Jam":

The robins squabbled over the berries
late in the summer
when they began to ferment—slick bruised

pulp intoxicating the birds into
a raucous frenzy.
Sometimes one would break into crooked flight,

become confused and crash into the clear,
shining expanse of
the porch-room window. Knocked out cold, toothpick

legs stabbing the air, its orange paunch was
incongruous among
the slender limbs of iris, who unfurled

their yellow-striped tongues and lifted their frilled
wrists up to assume
the statuesque poses of flamenco

dancers. Each time a robin was fallen,
my mother sat guard
on the back porch, poised with a garden hose,

waiting to spray any cat who came by
looking to snatch up
a non-confrontational meal. But wait.

Well, there does seem to be a pattern here, but for the fun of it, let's write this out as prose, in paragraph form, just for the fun of it:

The robins squabbled over the berries late in the summer when they began to ferment—slick bruised pulp intoxicating the birds into a raucous frenzy. Sometimes one would break into crooked flight, become confused and crash into the clear, shining expanse of the porch-room window. Knocked out cold, toothpick legs stabbing the air, its orange paunch was incongruous among the slender limbs of iris, who unfurled their yellow-striped tongues and lifted their frilled wrists up to assume the statuesque poses of flamenco dancers. Each time a robin was fallen, my mother sat guard on the back porch, poised with a garden hose, waiting to spray any cat who came by looking to snatch up a non-confrontational meal. But wait.

See what I mean? Take the line breaks out, and it just doesn't mean the same thing. Try reading your favorite Bob Dylan tune as if it were a piece of prose, say from a geography book. There is reason laguage needs lines to be lyrical.

The Definition of a Hero:

Mukhtar Mai: At a time when the US needs heroes and turns to sports and wonders if the use of drugs interferes with our definition of heroism, it is appropriate to call attention to people who are real heroes.

Readers of the New York Times and Time Magazine are already familiar with this story. You should make this required reading for all high school children. Mukhtar Mai is a true hero.

The News from Iraq:

The latest from Iraq is the increased sectarian conflict that is causing tens of thousands of Iraqis to flee their homes as the country further divides itself in preparation for a full-scale civil war.

Mixed areas of Sunni and Shiite groups are ceasing to exist as armed men from both groups force people to leave their homes, further dividing the population and inhibiting the possibility of the country developing a viable government.

The four or five provinces where most of the population lives, including Baghdad, contain a mix of both religious groups, and for the country to form a workable government, the two groups must be able to work together and live together. The Bush strategy depends upon this.

As of today, more than 30,000 people have been forced to leave their homes at gun point, as insergents threaten to murder them. Bush's military forces are incapable of preventing or even slowing this behavior. The country needs its own police force and military force to be able to combat the insergents, but as long as the insergency continues the likelihood of developing effective forces seem remote.

Without a strong central government, the country will not be able to develop a strong police and military force. And without a strong police and military force, it is extremely unlikely that an effective government can be formed.

Desperately Seeking Info on the Next Version of Windows®:

For those of you who are not beta testers, Robert Storey (originally published on Distrowatch.com) has done the job for you, and here is his review:

Windows Hasta La Vista - Ironclad Security

by Robert Storey

Review:

It has been three long years to the day since we last looked at that unusual distribution called Windows. Although at that time it was considered by many to be little else than a bizarre joke (who on earth would design an operating system that doesn't provide a way to grep files?), a recent rumour about a new release has piqued our curiosity. Developed by a large group of programmers who, believe it or not, all work in one building, the new version is predicted by some journalists to be one of the most secure operating systems ever created. Robert Storey, our ardent distribution reviewer, couldn't hold on any longer and downloaded the most recent beta version of Windows Vista from a nearby mirror to take a look.

Introduction:

Greetings to all! As some of you may recall, it's been a long three years since I last occupied this space, writing a review of Windows XP - An Operating System You Can Trust. Sadly, I must confess that the reason for my prolonged absence from this web site is that I was in trouble with the law once again. As my former readers will no doubt remember, I was previously under the influence of evil Linux hackers. During that time, I committed several serious crimes - in particular, I violated the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) and infringed several software patents. Fortunately, that crime spree was brought to an ignominious end when the Intellectual Property Police raided our Linux Users Group meeting. Being a first-time offender, I was paroled after only eight months in prison. I have since gone on to lead a clean and productive life using only safe and secure Microsoft software installed on my computer.

Alas, I must confess to backsliding. My downfall came in the form of a computer magazine. Inside the magazine jacket was a CD containing the evil Linux operating system! I foolishly installed the software, and - just like an alcoholic who claims he's only going to have "one drink" - I was hooked again!

Fortunately, Windows XP was still installed on my hard drive. Windows correctly detected the presence of a Linux partition, and the built-in Microsoft Snitchware immediately reported the situation to the Department of Homeland Security. Since installing Linux was a violation of my parole, I was arrested by the FBI and sentenced to a further two years in a federal penitentiary.

All this might sound tragic, but really, it's not. In the end, things worked out for the best. After only one year in prison, I became eligible for a new experimental rehabilitation program. I am happy to report that it's been a great success! After receiving counselling, medication, electroshock therapy and a prefrontal lobotomy, I am once again a happy Windows user.

As a condition of my early release from custody, the parole board has ordered me to perform 300 hours of community service. This I have gladly done. Working in close cooperation with the Business Software Alliance, I have been visiting public schools, lecturing students on the evils of open source software. I can't begin to describe the satisfaction this work gives me, saving impressionable young minds from the temptation of so-called "free software." At the end of my talk, our team hands out T-shirts emblazoned with the motto, "Linux - Just say No!"

As a further public service, we then audit the students' computers for pirated software. Just last week we caught three students with unlicensed video games installed on their machines. Since they were minors, the students were not arrested - rather, they were put in foster care and their parents were fined US$150,000 for each pirated program. Considering the seriousness of the crime, this was a mere slap on the wrist. However, since these were first-time offenders, it's understandable that the authorities should be so lenient.

Installation:

This is supposed to be an operating system review, so I apologize for the above digression. Sometimes I just get carried away with my personal issues - it's probably just a side effect of the lobotomy. So let's get back on topic.

Today, I am reviewing Microsoft's greatest operating system ever, Windows Hasta La Vista, or WHLV (which is also the name of a talk radio station in Hattiesburg, Mississippi - Microsoft is now suing them for trademark infringement). But to simplify things, we'll just call this OS "Windows Vista" or "Vista" from now on.

Those who have been following the latest tech news are well aware of the fact that Vista will not, in fact, be released to the public until early 2007. Fortunately, for techies who just can't wait to get their hands on the latest and greatest offerings from Microsoft, there are two simple solutions - pay the Earth to become a Windows developer, or volunteer to be a beta tester. I chose to do the latter.

The beta version of Windows Vista - officially known as the Community Technology Preview (CTP) - can be downloaded through Microsoft's developers' site. Please note that the CTP is a time-limited copy which will self-destruct (along with your data) at a secret predetermined date.

I enthusiastically downloaded my copy and began the installation procedure. This might be a good time to mention that the Vista installation program differs from the Windows XP installer in several significant ways. For example, when XP installs, it merely wipes out any Linux partitions on the hard drive. Windows Vista, on the other hand, will go much further - it will mount any Linux partitions it finds and then plant viruses and root kits in /usr/bin. After all, Linux hackers have been doing stuff like this for years to Window users - now it's time for some payback.

Just as when you install XP, at the very end of the installation process, Vista insists that you need to type in a user's registration key. However, XP requires a mere 25-digit alpha-numeric key which is not even case-sensitive. Vista, which is far more secure, requires a 250-digit key which is case-sensitive and also includes spaces and various symbols. For example, a valid registration key might look something like this:

5|_4!C|@W/#\r$cw3 r\/1=|\xV|Zb0+aR t3qh h^0w ilE |r_1]n\/x-(pY)5\C 3k&|\|3*j[%=G(.Mx^G$Hd:" 7{OK4"GDe:E &y$C[;}4!s3C|@W/O8@#\r$Uc~w3 r\`/1=|\xV|Z"b>,0+]{*$4%f_b+a@Q=-^.>c#wC|@=}4!+sG$]Hd:C)|@W/0+&]{ qC h=G?(>,0+] \/1?+n]e{f *^j0w@~>n V^"|k\E$

If you make a mistake when typing the key, the installation program will abort and you have to start over from the beginning. Furthermore, users will be required to retype the key every time they restart Windows. Leave it to Microsoft to come up with such a clever method to protect us from the evils of software piracy!

All About Security:

As you can see from the foregoing process, Microsoft is very concerned about security. Indeed, the 250-digit registration key is only the first step in protecting users from depraved software pirates. Microsoft has incorporated many other exciting features to ensure that Vista is the most secure OS ever!

Vista comes with built-in support for Microsoft's Software Quality Assurance program. The way it works is that if users inadvertently attempt to install a dangerous open source program such as the notorious OpenOffice, Vista will intervene. The fiendish program won't be installed, and Vista will instead download the equivalent closed source program (in this example, Microsoft Office) and automatically bill the customer's credit card. I can't but express my admiration on this innovative approach to protecting customers, as well as Microsoft's profits.

Microsoft's award winning browser, Internet Explorer, has also been beefed up with new security features. For example, attempting to download illicit MP3 files will result in a security alert being emailed to the RIAA. Similarly, any attempt to share movies will be reported to the MPAA. Software pirates will have their activities reported to the Business Software Alliance. All other suspicious activities will be reported to the Department of Homeland Security and Interpol. Only through such diligent cooperative efforts between Microsoft and the relevant authorities can we protect our cherished free society.

One frequently requested feature by users is the ability to encrypt the filesystem, and Vista supports this. However, the filesystem is not encrypted by default - the user has to set this up. When you enable this feature, Vista sends an email to inform the US National Security Agency (NSA) that you have done so. Then, using the NSA Back Door, FBI agents can periodically check your computer to ensure that your machine contains no terrorist messages, pornography or open source software. Users might be concerned about having such a back door on their system, but they really shouldn't be. The FBI has assured everybody that they will not abuse this power, and only concentrate on catching terrorists and other miscreants. I see no reason not to believe them. After all, if you can't trust the FBI, who can you trust?

Project Cyborg:

One of Microsoft's most innovative projects yet involves the use of Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) tags. These "tags" - a chip smaller than a grain of rice - have generated much discussion lately. Large supermarkets and department stores are very interested in placing RFIDs inside of products - then a tag reader at the cash register would automatically ring up the purchase without the need to physically handle the merchandise. RFIDs have also been used for electronic toll collection. The chips have also been placed under the skin of dogs and cats in order to identify lost pets. Most recently, several countries have decided to put RFIDs into "biometric passports" - this makes it much easier for criminals and terrorists to identify wealthy foreign tourists in a crowd, which helps facilitate mugging and kidnapping.

Further expanding on this great new technology, Microsoft plans to use RFIDs with Window Vista in order to facilitate payment. Here's how it would work. First, Vista users would get the tag surgically implanted in a convenient location, most likely the back of the neck. The RFID would contain an individual's Windows product registration key, so "chipped" users would no longer need to type it. Furthermore, customers with the embedded tag would be able to enjoy online shopping without the need to type credit card numbers - a tag reader on their computer would do all the work. This system is destined to replace Microsoft Passport. Other uses for the embedded RFID tag would be to alert authorities if users attempt to access forbidden web sites, or send emails to shady individuals on a government watch list.

Furthermore, thanks to Microsoft's cooperative agreement with with Wal-Mart, chipped customers would no longer need to pay cash or show their credit cards at the checkout stand.

Consumers are going to love these great new convenience features. Nevertheless, some whiny so-called "privacy advocates" have made a big fuss over Project Cyborg. Without a doubt, they are a bunch of left-wing Linux loonies who can be counted upon to always oppose the advancement of technology. Needless to say, it's a waste of time trying to argue with these Luddites - it's just best to ignore them.

Special Edition:

As you may have read elsewhere, Microsoft plans to release several editions of Windows Vista, thus catering to specialized markets. For example, several high-ranking government officials and Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates would like a special edition that lacks a registration key, does not monitor online activity, and doesn't support Project Cyborg. Microsoft will generously cater to these customers' needs by producing a version that meets their requirements - however, it will only run a rare computer based on a CPU called an Itanium, affectionately known to geeks as the Itanic. Literally dozens of Itanics have been sold so far, and market analysts predict that nearly 100 will be in circulation by year 2010.

Conclusion:

Clearly, with Windows Hasta La Vista, Microsoft has another winner on its hands. With valuable built-in convenience features and ironclad security, Microsoft has definitely responded to customers' needs. Furthermore, erh...ahh, what's this? Sorry everybody, somebody is at the door. Just a moment...

It's the Intellectual Property Police. Hmm...they've got a warrant. It seems that by writing this review, I violated the Non-Disclosure Agreement which I clicked on when I downloaded the beta. Damn, I really need to read those 150-page End User License Agreements before clicking on "I Agree." Oh well, you've got hand it to Windows Vista - just look at how efficient it was at reporting my illegal activities to the authorities! What an amazing operating system!

I'm about to be arrested, so I guess it might be a few more years before you'll be hearing from me. Given the circumstances, I can't think of a more appropriate thing to say except, Hasta la vista!

Copyright Notice:

Copyright (C) 2006 Robert Storey
Verbatim copying and distribution of this article is permitted in any medium, provided this copyright notice is preserved.